They say that time is a healer and I really used to believe that, now I believe that time allows you to adjust to not having that person you love in your life.
It was such a sad time and I realise now that it also set me on my own personal journey. You do a lot of soul and answer searching as I am sure that those of you have lost someone dear know.
The things that I learnt when I was back in the UK sorting through Lindsey's small amount of belongings~we weren't that different! We had the same books, Cd's, Dvd's. The Cd's I had wanted to buy but never got around to were in her collection which I inherited. It took me a little time to play them without crying and now I sing them to the best of my singing ability~I am tone deaf! I know wherever Lindsey is she is laughing at me doing so.
There are still songs I have to switch off the radio and movies I will probably never watch again with a dry eye that were her favourites.
For some time I thought she was mad at me, until I found our/my family portrait in her book by her favourite poem.
Pictures of Lindsey hang in our home, my eldest and only daughter at the time was only two and whilst has some memories of flying back to the UK doesn't remember what for. We have not yet discussed with her what happened as we feel she is too young. Whilst never meeting her Aunty Lindsey, I know her Aunty Lindsey is watching over her.
Lindsey and I were from a single parent home we lived with our mom and the majority of the time fought like cat and dog. I blame it on the hormones! I spent most of my teenage years looking after Lindsey whilst mom had to go out to work. At times I really resented that I was stuck in looking after my younger sister~again!
When I left home to move in with my now hubby, we would get together in the week, go shopping together and always got together on a Friday night or the weekend for a girly night out or sometimes I would do dinner and try out new recipes~when Lindsey was feeling brave enough to eat it, red wine was always on hand to make anything taste better!
Lindsey helped us move to Canada nearly ten years ago, she spent three weeks here and enjoyed every minute of it, especially the get lost car rides that found us completely in the wrong places but we got to take in all the great scenery we wouldn't had we of stayed on track! For those of you who know me I have this annoying little tune I tend to hum when I get lost, have no clue where I am and starting to panic! Lindsey soon picked up on this and had great delight in joining along and teasing me!
Now the only little tiff we had those three weeks was over a pack of chocolate chip cookies! We are both cookie monsters so imagine my surprise when I was in desperate need of a cookie fix to find the empty packet in the cupboard! Lindsey made it up to me by sending me packets of cookies for Christmas and my Birthday!
We finally got around to painting the hallway which was very hard for me as on one of Lindsey's visits she had slipped down the last few stairs of our wooden staircase with a bottle of beer in one hand and cigarette in the other. The beer went flying all up the wall and she snapped her cigarette in half! The beer runs stained the wall and whilst they are now painted over, they will always be there in my memory along with a giggle over the fact she was more upset she had snapped her cigarette in half than anything else!
I had always hoped that one day she might follow in my footsteps and move out here, move away from a place that hadn't always made us happy. Sadly it was not meant to be.
As stubborn as me, Lindsey chose her own path in life, unfortunately it caused a few troublesome years. Always the one in the middle trying to hold things together I was constantly on the phone normally telling her to give her head a shake and pull it together. It's hard trying to deal with things when your thousands of miles away. There was times I just wanted to fly over to kick her arse into shape but the truth of the matter is she was always stronger than me!
Then came the day when I was just plain exhausted from all the family expecting me to do something from afar. I had phone calls that demanded to speak to me when I was in the shower so I would get out soaking wet and stand there playing phone around again! I had to step away and that is what I did!
I don't feel guilty as I know that I did more than most would do and I know that Lindz knew that. Yes I wish I had of rang up in what were her last months and had a normal chat instead of ranting. I think we can all look back and wish things had been different or we had acted in a different way.
Lindsey drowned in the pond she loved to walk around frequently and after all the inquests they deemed it as suicide. We will never know what happened and never got the chance to say goodbye.
I found this really hard to cope with given the fact that she had spent the last few months of her life turning everything around for the better.
At this time every year my heart goes out to the brave members of the Burntwood sub aqua club, who not linked to the police but friends of our family did the dive to find our Lindz. These remarkable people had never recovered a body before and are my family's hero's for giving us closure! (The police did not have the resources available) They asked and were the pall bearers at the funeral.
I have to thank those who have come on the emotional ride with me and helped me along, I have to thank those friends who unknowingly came into my life at the right times.
Lindsey would of been 30 this year, so instead of feeling sad we intend to celebrate her life!